Obstacles to Intimacy - CoCreative Intimacy

Obstacles to Intimacy

Also Infidelity

Pornography

Is porn bad? We are not all the same. Here are various attitudes.

Some...

have no interest and are unaffected
are offended by it
partake of it on occasion
engage with it on a regular basis

Rather than declare if porn is bad or not, I ask deeper questions:

Does engaging in porn decrease your level of physical or emotional intimacy with your partner?

Does it foster clandestine behavior, or does it increase transparency and vulnerability?

What unfulfilled intimacy needs do you have for which you find fulfillment in porn?

I believe it depends on the kind of porn, and on the person.

Declaring porn as bad is not helpful because it is shaming, which encourages surreptitious behavior.

Is browsing through the Victoria's Secret catalogue or website inappropriate? For some, not at all - they are shopping for an outfit for themselves or their spouse to wear. Could even be a fun romantic activity to do together. For others, this may encourage them to engage in clandestine acts which incur shame and distance themselves from their partner.

The Situation
I have clients who want me to tell their spouse that porn is bad and they need to stop. I don't do this, because it won't work. If I ask the man (this is not gender-specific, it could very well be a woman) to stop doing porn, they will say "sure". The wife is happy her spouse heard it from a counselor.

But since this may be an addictive¹ or compulsive process, they eventually return to it, and they won't tell me, because they are ashamed of admitting to me that they don't have mastery over themselves. After a few sessions of therapy the wife thinks the sessions were productive, the problem has been satisfactorily addressed, and there is no more need for sessions.

Until weeks or months later, when she discovers it is still happening.

Alcoholics (not in recovery) are notorious for displaying to their family and friends they are clean and have it together, although the whole time they are drinking. They are MASTERS at doing this while putting on a good facade.

The same happens with porn.

Keep in mind that an addiction is not simply a lack of will power. Rather, it comes from a need or a pain. It can be from a trauma, early development environment, and others factors.

My Approach in Couples Counseling
I have sessions with the male and female partners, separately. I pledge confidentiality to each, so that whatever you tell me, I will never tell your partner without your consent. This is still couples counseling because it is focused on unity of the couple, and we still unite for sessions for all three of us. I will never shame or embarrass you about anything you have done in the past, or are doing now. I will not make you feel bad. I will not tell you to stop engaging in porn (it won't work). Rather, I understand, love, and accept you. You need full acceptance from me, to develop trust with me as your counselor, and to develop confidence in your self-mastery.

I will attempt to discover how your needs are being met through engaging in porn, and will introduce you to other concrete methods to increase intimacy with your partner.

As a couples counselor, it is imperative I support you both, 100%. You each have a valid story that needs to be heard and sorted out.

I will seek to understand, love, and accept you. You need full acceptance from me, to develop trust with me as your counselor, and to develop confidence in your self-mastery.

My goal is to facilitate the two of you reuniting with healing and developing an intimacy far greater than what you had before.

The Process
This will take some work. It will take commitment of both parties to love with compassion, and above all, to develop an attitude of LISTENING in the relationship. It means an agreement to stop mentioning the threat of divorce. It is ok to have those thoughts, but don't share it with your partner, or be regulated on how it is shared.

This goal is very attainable! With regular sessions, follow-through on listening and other exercises, being merciful to yourself, and the support and direction of your counselor, great progress can be made.

The Goal
As you are introduced to new tools for enjoying time with your partner, learn to communicate more effectively, and you bask in being heard (by your partner and by your counselor), your emotional and physical intimacy increases and your need for porn will decrease. When you are having fuller, more ecstatic experiences of emotional intimacy and discovering that your can find your spouse to be sexy and pleasurable, porn will no longer satisfy you, because you are now on a healthier, more nourishing diet. The sizzling intimacy you discover may well be deeper than what you had in the past.

Infidelity

What is Infidelity
Infidelity is when a promise to remain faithful is broken. This promise can be part of a marriage vow, or an agreement between the couple that reflects their level of commitment to each other.

Infidelity is also known as cheating, adultery, or an affair.

There can be sexual or emotional infidelity. Sexual infidelity is generally clear to define. Whether emotional infidelity has occurred, however, is often not agreed upon. For some, their partner viewing pornography is considered infidelity.

Understanding Infidelity

When you discover your partner has had an affair, you may think your marriage is over. Would you consider starting it afresh with new clarity?
Was I an idiot not to notice the signs that my partner was having an affair?
- No. There are many reasons for this. One is that your being may have used a very sophisticated coping mechanism, known as trauma-denial. Be kind to yourself.
It hurts to discover your partner had an affair. Do address this hurt, and the wrongdoing, but resist the urge to shame your partner. It may end up causing further problems.
Instead of shaming your partner, discovering an affair can be an invitation for both to vulnerably share feelings about intimacy in your relationship. Having this honest discussion is the key to saving, and even revitalizing, your relationship.
The "cheater" or the affair party.
- Many who cheat say they love their partner and would never leave them⁵.
- The cheater may be the "problem". But sometimes, not so⁶.
- It isn't helpful or accurate to label the cheater as a liar, traitor, sex-addict, perpetrator, womanizer, or slut.
- Once you both begin to unravel the affair, it may be best to call the "cheater" the affair party. This is still accurate, but avoids unnecessary shaming terminology.
It is not accurate to assume the affair party has unresolved trauma, a dysfunction, or is emotionally immature which leads them to the affair.
Infidelity can be an exploration of the affair party's repressed parts of themselves. A part that is desperately seeking expression in the relationship, but is not able to get traction due to an unhealthy communication dynamic.
Some motivations for infidelity are...
- Release of stress that cannot be properly managed with sharing with primary partner.
- Emotional craving or need for emotional transparency that isn't available with the primary partner.
- Expression of a sexual style, fetish, or fantasy that hasn't been explored with the primary partner.
- Need for higher sexual frequency.
The affair party may subconsciously have an affair to usher in a new relationship - a renewal of the relationship they are in.
It is essential to examine the behavior, experience, and background of both parties.
Others can be affected, too, besides the couple - friends, children, extended family, co-workers. And very important is to consider the affair party's partner.

My Approach to Infidelity in Couples Counseling
As a couples counselor, it is imperative I support you both, 100%. You each have a valid story that needs to be heard and sorted out.

I have sessions with the male and female partners, separately. I pledge confidentiality to each, so that whatever you tell me, I will never tell your partner without your consent. This is still couples counseling because it is focused on unity of the couple, and we still gather for sessions for all three of us. I will never shame or embarrass you about anything you have done in the past, or are doing now. I will not make you feel bad. I will seek to understand, love, and accept you. You need full acceptance from me, to develop trust with me as your counselor, and to develop confidence in your self-mastery.

The Goal
My goal is to facilitate the two of you reuniting with healing, to achieve an honest dialogue and intimacy far greater than what you have ever had before.

NOTES Back to top

¹Porn addiction is currently NOT listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) which is published by the American Psychiatric Association.

²The International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11) contains a new diagnosis which may be appropriate for porn addition, Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder.

³The above views expressed on this page for addressing porn addiction and compulsion, are my own.

⁴For excellent research about porn, see YourBrainOnPorn.com.

⁵Sometimes infidelity happens in happy relationships. See this excellent article.

⁶Not all adultery is wrong. See this excellent article.